Beautiful Chaos

Happy 13th Birthday Landen!

2012-01-18T14:10:00.000-08:00

helping Mom make his birthday cake =)

Today Landen turns 13!

It's so hard to believe! I have a hard time even saying 13 in relation to him. I know, despite the fact that he is so young in mind and heart, that he is in fact, growing up. Everyday I walk that balance between meeting him where he is at mentally, rejoicing in the smallest victories that he achieves (that perhaps even a pre-schooler down the street can do in their sleep)...and also giving him more room to grow and believing that we can help steer and equip him to have a productive life now and in the future.

A couple of months ago I was getting Landen off the bus, and like he often does, he jumped up on me, wrapping his legs around my waist tightly and hugging my neck, saying "I love you Mom" over and over. Of course I often chuckle in my mind when he does that, thinking "any neighbors or others that are witnessing this are probably wondering why a near teenager is holding on to his mom like that"...HA..but i was struck in that moment with the beautiful reality that he just doesn't care..because of his condition he is dependant on me and loves me openly and unencumbered. That is a picture of how we too must embrace the Lord in complete humility and faith. He holds us in our brokenness and carries us in our pain.

We are so proud of you Landen. We are thankful for your sweet and caring spirit. We are grateful for your hugs and child-like dependance on us that teaches us about child-like faith in Christ.

"I will give you assured peace in this place." -Jeremiah 14:13

jess

A Different Brand of Joy...

2011-12-07T12:42:00.001-08:00

Looking for Santa....

It's hard to believe it's already December! It has truly been a great year for our family and we could not be more grateful. Both kids are doing well; Landen is enjoying school and Bethany is still homeschooling. Mark is enjoying his work, and I am still in ministry and absolutely loving it.

Our entire holiday season has already been a long one, it feels, because Landen began talking up Halloween back in September! Then fast forward through endless drawings of pumpkin faces, light-up Halloween toys, candy and fanfare, he zipped through Thanksgiving and is in high Christmas gear! The day after Thanksgiving we went for the second year in a row to the Christmas Tree Farm to find a real tree. This has become a new tradition for us with my mom and Bob. As soon as we walked onto the property Landen walked up to a tree and said, "I want this tree." We took a look at it and it was perfect! So that decision was easy, and he was free to go off to the slides and train ride. We really enjoy going there because it is a fun family outing that we can do with him with minimal meltdown potential!

Landen and Bob

As to the rest of our days, of course, there is never a dull moment..we are busy with work, school, church, and family life. Bethany is a huge help to me and has grown so much in many ways over the last year. I don't know what I would do without my "mini-me" to help me with Landen! Each Saturday the routine is to go to Target- Landen's current favorite place to be (besides the car wash =). It's one of those "go in, get what you need, get out" kind of experiences, but hey- it's a family affair, it's in public, and it is building successful experiences for Landen, so it's just what we need! He usually has a running list of the same wish list: marshmellows, a Lunchable, a DVD, Spaghettios, and the current toy request is trains...

The other outing that is still a staple in the Wilson family is going to the car wash. Goodness, that boy loves to watch the car wash in action- from the foamy soap to the spinning scrubbers- he is in hog heaven. It has become our routine for me to take him through the car wash and McDonald's drive thru before I leave for church on Wed evenings. It gives him a time of connecting with me, gets him fed, gives him some entertainment, and then he is content with me leaving from there. The new development is that he recently discovered that there are numerous videos of car washes on Youtube...who knew? Mom uploaded a video she made of Landen in the car during a car wash and showed it to him, so when he caught on that there are other videos he was totally hooked! It's hysterical because many of them are advertisements for like Japanese wash systems, so you hear all kinds of languages and things, but he doesn't care!

Many of you know how much Landen likes to sing- at all hours of the day (or night! ugh). He and Chloe (our dog) are now doing duets. In the morning before the bus comes Landen likes to sing along to "Jack's Big Music Show"...i guess there is something about the notes (or should i say the off-notes) that Landen sings that gets Chloe to howling. Then they sound like they are singing together...like I said, never a dull moment!

For all the ways the Lord has blessed us with moments of joy, we are thankful. Though so much of it is quite simplistic and not in a design that we expected, we still see the hand of God. Somedays I don't see it as easily, somedays I am overwhelmed. But God has been faithful and rescues me from the pit when I call on Him. A few months ago I found myself battling a deep wave of grief...I was so despondent I couldn't even listen to music very much. One morning I searched through the podcasts on my phone and found one by John Piper that caught my eye. It was entitled "Why Was This Child Born Blind?" I immediately started listening to it. His words absolutely met me where I was and lifted me out of the mire. It was a bold sermon, filled with raw and honest feelings, but also with beautiful words of hope and Truth. It is powerful for anyone going through any type of suffering. If you'd like to watch it, click here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4BgQ69dhFk

I would appreciate prayers for a Bible Study that I am currently working on to present in the spring. It is called "Broken, Blessed, and Multiplied". I am excited about having an outlet to hopefully reach others with parts of our story and with the love and hope that God has granted me in the journey.

Thanks for stopping in to take a peek at our life. It blesses us to share it with you. I have been working furiously on my schedule to make time to write, so hopefully you'll be hearing more from me.

Peace!

jess

Great Expectations

2011-06-23T22:37:00.000-07:00

Wow. I'm really not good at updating our life on here! Maybe because I'm busy with all the details that come with our very unique life!

Here we are at another summer. Landen's first year at Hildebrandt turned out to be a really good experience. His teachers seemed to have gained a strong understanding of his personality and needs. This has helped foster a sense of freedom for him, while allowing him to still follow the very needed routine that his anxiety requires. One thing that helped him transition well each day between home and school was to carry around some laminated "days of the week" cards, so each day he would grab the current day and the next day. It seemed to be his way of understanding where he was in each given week, and anticipate how close he was at any given time to the coming weekend. Now that we are home for the summer, he still uses them.

He also loves to keep up with the calendar on the computer. Right now he is highly anticipating his sister Bethany's 17th birthday on Saturday. Birthday parties are his favorite occassion, whether they are his or someone elses! If there is cake, candles, and singing Happy Birthday involved, he is all over it! I posted this video on FB from his own birthday party in January...it's pretty funny...he sang the birthday song along with everyone and wanted us to sing it over and over. He gets the biggest smile on his face, then bows over and over, saying "thank you, thank you"! Those are the moments that bring us so much joy. Here is the video..(sorry it's oriented to the side...can't figure out how to fix it! lol)

The most beautiful part of that video though, is the presence of some of the friends and family that share life with us and support us so much. We could not do life without them!

Earlier this year we had a really neat experience. Mark was driving both kids to Walmart, and the radio was on. I was off with some friends eating dinner. Mark said the radio was playing "I Can Only Imagine", a song about longing for heaven and anticipating the joy of being in the presence of the Lord for eternity. He said Landen started singing along, and seemed to know most of the words! He called me on the phone immediately to tell me, holding back tears. I don't even own that cd, i almost always have my ipod playing in the car, so we don't know how he knows it so well. I even asked around to others that have babysat him and no one had exposed him to it. Since then, we have played the song on the computer and listened to him sing along a few times. It completely blows us away! Bethany said to me, " I wonder, since Landen can't understand a lot of things, if this is a way that God is revealing Himself to him." I think she is absolutely right.

We learn so much from this little guy. If only he knew how much. He is our constant reminder that we live in a broken, fallen world, that we are not in control, but that truly living is celebrating the smallest victories. I am finding that there is a surprising freedom in that. The fact that he is so easily amused and entertained by the smallest things teaches us to live in the moment. Every night he gazes at the moon. He makes me stop what I'm doing and look up. Every day when I come home from having gone somewhere, (even if it's only for a few minutes), he makes a really big deal and runs to me, hugging me and saying "Mommy (or Daddy), you're home! You came back! (as if we wouldn't =) We are inspired to be constantly refined in our sense of gratitude, which I know also reflects how God wants us to perceive the journey. I think of 2 Corinthians 6:10 "Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything."

I feel God asking me to live with more expectancy. More faith that He can accomplish more with Landen's life than I anticipate. At the end of the school year they told me that Landen is going to have to go to yet another new school next year. Budget cuts have removed 3 separate middle school's special ed programs, so they will all be joined into one. Of course we were not happy about that news, because change for him is so daunting. But I was comforted greatly by the sweet words of the teachers and therapists that worked with him this past year. They all spoke about how much happiness he brought into their lives in the time they got to spend with him. And I can't even begin to say enough good about his bus drivers...they were ANGELS! They loved on Landen so unconditionally. Every single day they expressed to me their affection for him. That was such a blessing to my heart. I am praying he gets the same ones next year! He's gonna need all the familiarity he can get as he transitions to the new school.

I was given an encouraging word from a very wise woman at a worship leaders' conference I attended in Atlanta last year. This dear lady Anne prayed with me and told me that she felt God was walking Mark and I on a journey that resembles the act of Communion...a life that must first live with thanksgiving, then is broken, blessed, and multiplied, just as Christ was broken physically and His Last Supper foretold so through the breaking of the bread and the pouring out of the wine. After I left Atlanta, I couldn't stop thinking about those words, "broken, blessed, multiplied".... a holy rhythym, a pattern, a heartbeat to live by. I must be willing to be broken as Christ was in order to be blessed with His character, His hope, His effectiveness. I can only do that in a posture of daily surrender.

Then something else amazing happened. This year at the same Atlanta retreat, a sweet friend came up to me and told me I must read this new book that she just could not put down. I have been reading it and have discovered it to be confirming Anne's words. It is a fantastic book called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It is beautifully written, raw, honest, Truth-seeking. The author crafts a rich lesson as to how the process and symbolism of Communion demonstrates our need for thankfulness in life..in all things: the broken and the blessed, the empty and the filled.

I read and receive those words with hope. I will live with great expectation. I will give thanks for the blessings only the Lord can give.

"big waves!"

2010-07-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

Today is National Fragile X Awareness Day...so I thought I would post an update to make a marker of sorts as to where we are at in our personal journey. To begin with, I must say this summer has been going exceptionally well for Landen. He has had two summer school sessions and has really enjoyed it. We see him growing up a lot. He is talking really well, and loves to sing along to every show he watches. It is really funny to hear his voice!

We are really proud of him...we went again this year to Austin to our friends' house (The Low's) and we noticed that his anxiety was much better overall, and he of course loved being on the lake. It is such a joy to see him able to float out there in his life jacket, splashing around to his heart's content. It is a great time for our family to be able to do something together as a mini-vacation. And there were no incidents of "Landen-mischief" stories to post about (as I did last year..=) He got to ride in the golf cart with "Mr Tom" again. He likes to look at the "reindeer" (the deer that wander through their backyard in the hill country). He calls the hills "mountains".

Last weekend we went to my mom's house in Kemah. Landen gets to ride his 3 wheeled bike out there. We also took the ferry to Bolivar Peninsula and hung out on the beach for a while. We had a great time. Lanny played in the water with his Spongebob buggy board, played in the sand, and got stung by a jellyfish (along with the rest of us! yuck!) He handled it quite well and got back in the water within minutes. I don't know if that makes us bad parents to let him go back out, but we were just so proud to see him so brave and having such a grand time. There were no more creepy creatures after that! He perched himself on his board, yelling "big wave!" and gleefully anticipating each one to send him tossing about.

This summer so far has been quite interesting...we find ourselves feeling some relief and renewed hope as we watch Landen learning more and settling himself in new ways. At the same time, there are many peripheral struggles, fears, and dreams that we feel God walking us through- giving us new perspectives and waves of peace that keep us tethered to Him. We are seeking the Lord about many decisions right now. Sometimes the waiting for answers is gut-wrenching, testing our resolve and hope to the limits. Each day, I find such encouragement from the words in Streams in the Desert, a wonderful devotional book written by a great woman of faith from the early 1900's, L. B. Cowman. The writings come from a period of time in which she cared for her dying husband after they had journeyed the world together as missionaries. Talk of summer and beaches and waves reminds me of a particularly great entry in her book. She spoke of how Pebble Beach in California has become such a tourist attraction because of all the beautiful pebbles and rocks that are found there....

"The raging white surf continually roars, thundering and pounding against the rocks on the shore. These stones are trapped in the arms of the merciless waves. They are tossed, rolled, rubbed together, and ground against the sharp edges of the cliffs. Both day and night, this process of grinding continues relentlessly. And what is the result? Tourists from around the world flock there to collect the beautiful round stones." She contrasts that with the area just around the cove, a quiet one that is "protected from the face of the ocean, sheltered from the storms, and always in the sun, the sands are covered with an abundance of pebbles never sought by the travelers." She goes on to say these other rocks have been left as "they have always been-rough, unpolished, and devoid of beauty-for polish is the result of difficulties."

How great is the challenge to entrust our sharp edges to the All-Knowing chisel of our God. But we can be assured that the waves and storms of life are shaping us into something more refined when we submit ourselves to the process. I think the greatest challenge is keeping our hearts longing for that polished and crafted piece of work that He will create in us, and not escape the throws of the pain it takes to get there.

"His way is in the whirlwind and the storm" Nahum 1:3.

"He made me into a polished arrow." Isaiah 49:2

pray. trust. repeat.

2010-06-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe it has been so long since I have written anything. There seems to always be so much swirling around in my head that I just can't stop and focus on parts of it to share. But I want to put what I can in writing, knowing that one day it will hopefully serve as a journal of how God moved us through it all.

First of all, to update you on what's happening with Landen these days, he just finished his 5th grade year. I can't believe it. I am happy to report that he had a wonderful year at school. He had a great teacher, Mrs. Jenkins. She and her aids really followed the structure that the therapists gave us. She has a wonderful, upbeat spirit that fostered much growth in him. Though he is still very much a pre-schooler mentally and academically, we are pleased to see him reading more sight words, identifying coins, and growing in his conversational skills. On the heels of such a great year, we actually considered holding him another year at the elementary school. (Also because the thought of sending my sweet little 60 pound boy to the junior high just makes me tremble.) But the school officials lovingly talked me down off the ledge, and so off to jr high he will go. ( With much prayer!) I have been keeping my emotions at bay about this new change for months now, knowing that I had to face the fact that my overgrown toddler is getting older, and it is time to transition him into more life-skill centered work and exposure. This morning when his bus came for the last time to pick him up, we could not physically get him to go. He perched himself on top of his bunk bed in hysterics and would not come down. So I went out to meet the bus and tell those two lovely ladies goodbye for the last time. They have been so wonderful to Landen and to our family. All of my emotions came to a head at that moment, and I balled my head off when they drove away..also in disappointment that Landen would miss his last day at Metzler. I think he got confused as to when the "last day" of school actually was, and so had mentally moved on. Two hours later, he said "I sorry mommy. The bus coming, I go to school?" Uh...yeah. Little too late buddy. Dad had already gone to work, so I had no way of getting him there. Joy....

Joy.
Lanny still makes us laugh every day with his little personality...whenever Bethany leaves the house, he asks if he can "go to Sissy's room"...if we say yes, he says, "Yay!!" and runs in there to watch her TV. Not sure what is so appealing about watching TV in a messy teenager's room, but apparently it is to him.

His other favorite thing lately is to wake up at 4 am, turn on the TV in his room really loud, then the TV in the living room, and he will sing along to certain shows' theme songs at the TOP OF HIS LUNGS. I cannot figure out why he is so wired at that hour-his medication is supposed to keep him asleep. We wake up irritated by it for sure, but can't help but laugh sometimes when we hear him singing like that.

One day a friend and I were in deep discussion in the kitchen about the hardships of life, and then we felt a presence behind us. We turned around and saw Landen standing there staring at us with a Bob the Builder hat on his head..we both broke into laughter cause it was just so unexpected at that particular moment. Hard to explain without being there, but it was just one of those little moments with him that make it all ok. =)

A couple days ago our good friend Mike said that when he thinks of Landen, he thinks about how the Bible says "the last shall be first" in heaven. He said he imagines in heaven that Landen will be giving all of us orders! I said, "are you kiddin' me? He gives us orders now!" Goodnight, we are at this child's beckoned call! He is definitely in charge of this house most of the time...even though we don't like to admit it.

As for Bethany, well she is very relieved that, as she puts it, she "survived her freshman year." She did great, and actually got exempt from all of her finals, so she finished the year on a high note and with minimal anxiety. We are proud of her too. This year had its' share of trouble, though, as we have had to keep a tight reign on her influences and choice of friends. It is such a tough battle to teach kids to be missional in their hearts but cautious with the things and people that impact them in return. She will turn 16 on June 25....now that's just insane! Now if we can just figure out how to keep her entertained all summer....

Mark and I find ourselves in an interesting time. God has really got us in what feels like a crash course spiritually. He is revealing such new things to us by opening spiritual doors we thought we had opened and understood, but I suppose He is taking us further in, where the treasures are more distinct, more tested by fire, more unique. As Mark reminds me, that's why it's called "The Living Word". This juncture of our spiritual journey is probably best summarized by this thought by Frances Frangipane:

"..the purpose of all aspects of spirituality, warfare included, is to bring us into the image of Christ. Nothing, not worship nor warfare, neither love nor deliverance, is truly attainable if we miss the singular objective of our faith: Christ-likeness."

I have consumed his book, The Three Battlegrounds, twice now. It is packed with Truth. Another great one is Secrets to Spiritual Power by Watchman Nee. Every line is so deep, you can only sort of digest a section at a time. But the spiritual food is so satisfying. The more we learn, the more questions we have, and so we are led to seek even more. I feel the Lord teaching us to not pray for seasons of peace or relief from hardship if the goal in our flesh is for anything other than conforming us to the image of Christ. If the result would be complacency and missing out on what would truly constitute as His sufficiency, then we don't need it. And even as I write that, I pray that God would keep me in the cleft of His rock, clinging to Him so that my wayward heart won't stray too far on any given day that I feel like losing it! I have such a tendency to pray, wait, trust, start to get worried, pray, then when I feel like we've met the 11th hour, I begin to panic and think God must be wanting me/us to find some different way out of the situation. But He is clearly showing us that faith goes all the way...keeps trusting, and focuses on His character impressing upon our hearts..more than on a tangible "answer". I have come to believe that it is an easy temptation to focus on Scripture in a way that causes us to quote passages like Jeremiah 29:11 because we seek the hand of God more than we do His face. It helps me to remember that Christ wants us to know His character by Scripture, and knowing His character will provide a way for us to truly trust Him in a manner that accepts His will and His answers with more peace.

So I pray, trust, pray some more...pray for my own fear for even writing these thoughts because it's so much easier said than done. But I must, and I must keep giving it over to the Lord. I face so many fears as I write this...one being a summer of trying to keep Landen occupied- knowing that he doesn't have the greatest track record in summertime due to a lack of routine and an onset of restlessness. So I would ask for your prayers for our family for this season.

Thanks to all of you who encourage me to write. It is amazing to me that our crazy life is interesting to others! I also thank God for our family and friends who choose to roll around in the trenches of life with us. A friend once said, "a burden shared is half as heavy". For that I am grateful. And alive.

Confessions of a Little Blonde Chaos-maker, part 1

2009-08-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

A while back my mom found the perfect T-shirt for Landen...the slogan reads "Every Great Idea I Have Gets Me Into Trouble!" There is no better statement to describe the many unbelievable moments we have endured upon discovering the results of some crazy idea of fun that Landen has concocted for himself! Having the mind of a 3 year old combined with the physical capabilities of a 10 year old makes for some pretty wild antics. We thought it might be entertaining to make a list of the "highlights" we remember from the last few years.

"Do you smell smoke?"
One night my mom was over and we had gone into my front office of my home so that Bethany and I could show her something on YouTube. I estimate we were preoccuppied with that for somewhere between 5 and 10 minutes. I had several candles lit all over the house, as I have done millions of times over many years. All the sudden Bethany said she smelled smoke...we jumped up, ran into the living room, and found Lanny perched on top of the kitchen bar, lighting paper towels on fire one at a time over a votive, watching them burn, then dropping them to the carpet below...where they continued to singe the carpet in a lovely circular pattern. I began basically hyperventilating over the fact that my floor was ruined...after a few minutes of that my mom told me I better grow some perspective and be thankful that the only real damage was to the floor and not my child. So after my own temper tantrum was over, we took a picture of the damage and sent the claim to our insurance, who helped us replace the floor with a beautiful laminate that we love. Needless to say, I don't burn candles anymore!!!

Recently we visited our good friends the Low's in Austin. They have a game room upstairs that Landen likes to hang out in and watch his movies or play his games. One afternoon most of the adults were talking downstairs- I was coming out of the upstairs bathroom and immediately smelled smoke. I yelled down to them about it, and Mark and his buddy Tom came running up the stairs. We opened the door to the game room and a thick haze of smoke filled the room....we all panicked and expected to find flames. Once we got our bearings as to what was going on, we discovered what had occurred. You see, they keep a handy microwave up there for a nice amenity to their movie room, complete with a supply of popcorn for your movie-watching convenience. Little man had decided to take it upon himself to cook his own snack. Yeah, he cooked it a little long! We promptly opened all the windows and comfiscated all the remaining popcorn.

fun with "wah-ter"
Landen loves water. If there is water around in any form, he will find a way to make fun with it. One example we discovered several months ago when we had a plumber out to investigate why our second bath's toilet was clogged beyond anything we could fix ourselves. The guy must have removed the broken remains of 20 toy cars that had met their demise by being flushed. When he pulled out the first couple of toys, I thought- OK, well we've found the problem....well, no...it just kept going and going for what seemed like forever- toy after toy after toy. He must have been doing it for years!!!

His fascination with water has now led his attention to our new front loading washing machine. You see, he's also majorly obsessed with watching things spin, so this washer provides lots of entertainment. When I first got it, he would come into the laundry room and squat down in front of it and watch through the glass to see the water filling it, then the spinning, etc. It was cute and all until I realized he had learned how to unlock the door and began adding dirty clothes to almost finished clean cycles. Or I would go to remove what I thought was a finished load and find that he had changed the cycle setting to something like "Silks" for a load of towels. Then one evening Mark and I were engrossed in conversation in the kitchen.....Mark said the words that in our house immediately ensue panic and divide-and-conquer action.... "Wait, where's Landen?!" After searching the house we found him in the laundry room, but this time it wasn't clothes he had added to the washer...no, HE had climbed into the empty washer- i am not kidding....i have a picture to prove it, but it's not appropriate to share because.....brace yourself......he was naked too!!! The first thing we saw as we rounded the corner to the laundry room was two skinny legs hanging out of the drum!! Now we have to keep the door locked to the laundry room, and if he happens to catch me in there putting a fresh load in, I have to shoo him out to keep him from getting involved!! You should see me in the laundry room now- I'm like all fast and furious and nervous about my own child stalking me to get to get his laundry fix. Good times.....

Oh, and don't think for a minute that the nice laminate floor in the living room is the end of that story. No, recently Landen decided he wanted to help Mark water the plants in the backyard. Problem is, Mark has a power attachment on the end of the water hose, and I guess Landen gained a sudden sense of power when he realized Dad had walked to the front of the house, and he could cause major fun and havoc by spraying Bethany in the backyard. After she went running he opened the back door that leads to our living room and began spraying full force onto the laminate floor. I was cooking in the kitchen and it took me a couple seconds to realize what was happening. You should have seen the look on Landen's face- total thrill of "i'm in charge now, suckers!" He looked like a mini-Terminator figure looming in the doorway with his weapon posed. After spraying me, too, I had to just push him out and close the door. After using about 15 towels to sop up the standing water on our new floor- it was all fine. And the turn knob to the hose was removed and hidden.

"bah-woons"
Landen also loves balloons. We have been in the habit for awhile of getting him one of those mylar helium filled ones shaped like various characters from the grocery store as a treat now and then. It's been sort of a sweet routine for my mom to get him one when she comes to visit. He will carry it around all day and night around the house, even insist on sleeping with it- he'll hold the string in his hand as he is falling asleep, and if I go to remove it from his hand he will wake up and give me a sleepy whisper "no, mine." Recently my mom brought him a cute monkey figure balloon and he loved it. He talked to it, carried it around the house, and took a bath with the darn thing and begged me to help him "wash his hair."(And yes, I did it. He was just too sweet with it for me to resist!) But after a few days of hangin' with the monkey he decided to let him "fwy away"...so he let him go in the backyard. He perched himself on the highest 9 foot position on his swing set and watched it fly till he couldn't see it anymore. The first time he did it he cried "my bah-woon fwy away" over and over....it was so sad! Lately he has been letting balloons go within a day or two because he loves watching them float off. Now his emotions are settled about it and he just says, "bah-woon fwy home".

One balloon met a different fate....This past Sunday I got into the shower. I noticed that the water was filling up around my feet. I took the drain cover off to discover the deflated remains of a different balloon stuffed down in there. Nice. Mark's next project is to glue the drain cover down.

"honey, have you seen the remote anywhere?"
A couple of years ago we caught Landen throwing a couple of objects over the back fence into the neighbor's yard behind us. He was standing on the trampoline and thought it would be fun to watch his toys taking flight I guess. We told him "no" sternly and to stop doing that. I climbed onto the trampoline to see where the stuff landed and got a view I did not expect. It was like a Landen-sized debris field- probably 30 various objects strewn across our neighbors' backyard.... cars, planes, cups, clothes- a wide variety of items that had been missing in action for a while- even one of our TV remotes whose whereabouts had been a lingering mystery! Bethany and I walked to the street behind us to knock on the neighbor's front door to sheepishly ask if she minded if we went through her back gate to collect the damage. The lady opened the door to just a crack to talk to us..I began explaining to her the reason for my visit....."Uhhh, yeah, we know" she said, obviously irritated, "Just go on back." I apologized profusely and began, "Sorry about that, you see my son has special needs and..." She interrupted me "Just go on back!" and slammed the door in our face. Yeah, thanks for the compassion sister. Lanny should have aimed for a window....hee hee....no...that would be very wrong..... =)

I wish I could say that was the only time he's done it. Let's just say, you know you live a unique life when a regular conversation in your house is "Have you seen the (fill in the blank)?" "I don't know- have you checked over the fence?"

"poop, sweat, and tears"
Probably about a year ago Landen began climbing to the top of his 9 foot swing set. The first time he did this I totally freaked out. Being deathly afraid of heights myself and unsure of his coordination skills in that situation, I was about to have a heart attack. Mark was at work and Bethany and I saw that Lanny had drug one of our patio chairs to the end of the swing set and climbed atop to the end of the beam- the end without the fort, so he had nothing else to hold onto and could have just free fallen. I panicked and climbed on top of the chair trying to reach him in a way to help him down without causing us to both come crashing down. It was deathly hot- we were sweating, miserable, he started crying...it was awful. Then I noticed that diarrhea poop was oozing out of his shorts! So, of course, in the drama of finagling both of our bodies off of that thing we were both covered in poop, sweat, and tears.

He continues to climb to the top of his swing set. It's a daily occurrence now, and he seems adept to it and so I have tried to chill out about it. It's a place of escape for him and he loves the view. He watches planes fly, the moon at night, and loves to watch the fan on top of my neighbor Marilyn's roof spin. Hey, cheap entertainment, that's for sure!

"Escap-ee"
One lazy Sunday afternoon a few months ago I was watching a show in Bethany's room with her. Mark had gone outside in the front yard, and I thought Lanny was with him. Mark thought Lanny was with me. Bad combination. He had gone into the backyard and dragged one of our patio chairs to the fence, (it's a tall, bar-stool height chair), and climbed over the fence into my neighbor Marilyn's backyard. He apparently grabbed one of her patio chairs and dragged it about 75 feet from their deck to the opposite fence and hopped that one too! So next thing we know is- the doorbell rings and my neighbor from 2 houses down is standing there with my son. He said, "My kids started screaming that they saw a little boy in the bushes in the back of our yard." Nice. Time to start considering implanting a tracking device into his arm!

Well, I wish I could say this was the sum of Landen's antics. There's more. It will just have to be a separate chapter. Next I'll share some of the just plain weird things he tends to do on a regular basis, as well as some of our experience with him amid Hurricane Ike. That will be part 2 of the chaos-maker's confessions....coming soon!!!

healing wind

2009-08-02T19:36:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine posted a wonderful blog post to her site, Scripture for Today...In it was an excerpt from an interview Rick Warren gave after he wrote the book The Purpose Driven Life. A few particular lines struck me deeply, and I have not been able to get them out of my mind:

"I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.

And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, "which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others."

I was so struck by that analogy of life being more of two trains, rather than the often emotionally vacillating perspective of the mountain top/valley approach. How much of my spiritual focus is spent on evaluating whether or not I am currently in a mountain top or in a valley? Does my view of God's "blessings" change, according to what season I think I'm in? And the burning question, do I trust God's plans and faithfulness as long as "relief" is on the way, or the mountain top is in view? Is that really living for God, or more of a "I will follow You as long as I know-You're-always- gonna-make-things-better kind of thing"? What if He doesn't?

I know people that would not agree with me even asking that question- what if He doesn't make it better- because, they believe, that God always has a positive answer, and that true trust in Him is reflected in the ability to always claim that. But many situations in my life have sort of always haunted me, if I'm being honest... because I have felt to my very core that truly trusting means being very aware that we live on earth, not in heaven, yet, and that if God promised us anything He assured us suffering would be a part of life, but that He would be with us. This belief I have held has often made me feel somewhat less faithful next to the more positive-thinking people in my life, and often, judged. Usually those individuals, in my estimation, have not endured some of the situations I have, so I struggle at times with judging them in return I guess. The question of "what if He doesn't?" stares at me everyday in the eyes of my overgrown toddler. It's as if Landen asks me, essentially, "what if I stay this way forever, mama? Will you still consider your life to be a good and happy one?" Having a doctor tell me 8 years ago that my child will never be normal, will never win trophies in sports among his peers, never go to college, probably never get married or have children has tested this struggle in me to degrees I wish every day that I didn't have to reconcile. I have had well intentioned people tell Mark and I that Landen's syndrome must be the result of our sin or unbelief. We have gone to many a prayer service asking-begging God to heal him, and I promise you, not an inch of our being doubted that God could do it. I do get confused when I read in the Bible how often it is said, "because of their faith, they were healed..." or "if you have the faith of a mustard seed"....those are passages that I am still pondering, still seeking to understand.

In the meantime, we live. We live each and every day, continuing in the hope that God will heal Landen, but reaching for joy and contentment in the mundane, amidst the under-current of grief that just won't go away. The analogy of life being more like 2 trains resonates with my heart. How freeing it is to realize that problems are always present, really, and the best use of our relationship with God is to embrace the contradiction of hard realities that are seen by God and allowed by Him, but being thankful that we are protected in it, guided through it, hopefully growing in it, but following Him even if we are not saved from it. After all, Christ asked that He might be spared of the cross, but was not. Of course, we know that He was not spared of it so that the biggest accomplishment of the universe could occur. It was for God's glory.

Speaking of God's glory- i think about, how when we refer to our pain and struggles, we often talk about how God will have His glory in it, and usually we picture "His glory" appearing later..as a child healed, a family's home saved from foreclosure, the cancer gone. But the longer I live I am learning that it is also comes as a deep contentment and growth that comes right smack in the middle of the problems, and that the struggle itself is the "answer", the glimpse of God's glory, the light and the beauty that is noticeable because of the darkness. My heart must wrestle with this truth, or I will never really grasp a selfless surrender to His greater purposes.

Landen being who he is, there are many moments on a daily basis that test these ideas in me. So often we have set off in the car as a family, hoping to enjoy some sense of "normalcy" and togetherness as a family of four. Many times these outings begin and Landen is thrilled with the ride in the car...with the windows down, the wind blowing his hair crazily- (he tells us "Open the hole!" which means the sunroof) He shuts his eyes with his head sticking out of the window in total uninhibited glee...and hanging his airplane out the window so he can watch the propellers spin in the wind. I love those moments with him with all my heart. And then, as anxiety sets in on him about where we're going or an unmet expectation, he can melt down and get upset. I sink in my own way, with disappointment that our "family outing" doesn't look like what I hoped it would. I used to think, "that's great...he was having fun, we were all enjoying it, having a grand time...then it always has to end this way." And so the mental choice in me begins...i can tank emotionally or be thankful for the precious moments we did have, and that Landen does have and share joy. All I know is, I am pursuing a life that is far more captivated by gratitude and hope, and loosening my grip on self-pity and defeat, or I will die trying.

I love these additional words from Rick Warren:
"Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD "

This picture is from 2005 in Lake Tahoe...but it captures the same "wind in the face-glee" that Landen gets when he rides in the car! I love it!!

more beautiful, less chaos...

2009-07-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

Today is National Fragile X Awareness Day. And that has gotten me thinking about how different our lives are this summer from where we were a year ago. This last year has been filled with a whirlwind of changes, pain, laughter, and growing. But to really appreciate it, I have to go back to the painful beginning last summer.

Mark and I have been talking a lot about how utterly awful last summer was for us as a family. Pretty much everything that could be in shambles... was... save for our marriage- (praise be to God!) We were remembering the other night how one particular evening we both hit the bed, exhausted and emotionally drained...but i mean the kind that feels like despair from your very gut and no light of hope. We had been thrust into a season of unexpected job change, which led to a long job search for both of us, financial turmoil, and all amid behavioral problems from Landen that were the most damaging we had ever endured with him. We were devastated by the seven plus episodes a day of Landen hitting me, kicking me, pulling my hair, freaking out about even putting clothes on, pooping in his pants several times a day, throwing things, and he had begun to lash out at Mark for the first time too. There was no evidence of the joyful little boy we had known anymore. This particular night burns deeply in our minds as a snapshot of that time, as it had been one of the worst days ever. I remember laying down on the bed in the darkness, Landen laying between us asleep. I started to cry, and after a few minutes I realized the bed was shaking. I looked over and realized Mark was crying, too. I reached over Landen and we just layed there, sobbing together, holding onto Landen between us, and each other. There are hardly words to even describe the pain. After a few minutes, we began to cry out to God together....basically, "we can't do this anymore God, we're gonna lose our home, we can't pay our bills, our son is turning into a monster we don't recognize....surely this isn't the plan you have for us, for his life....we are losing hope, we are at the end of ourselves, and we know that only You know the answer...we beg You to help us....we're done."

As the days following went on, God gave us the hope and grace to choose to believe in His goodness, and that He was going to find a way out of that hell. Mark even worked at Starbucks for a few months just to get us health insurance to cover the $1000 a month of medical expenses, while he continued the job search. I watched him not only swallow his pride in doing so, but he embraced the opportunity by loving on the people he worked with and pouring into their lives. I respect him so much for that.

At one point that summer, Mark met one of the most interesting people we had ever encountered. His name was Jessie....a Puerto Rican dude...vivacious, full of boundless energy and crazy, reckless-abandon-kind of love for the Lord...he was also a martial arts instructor who came over and taught me how to hold Lanny down when he had fits so that his movements couldn't hurt me anymore, and would aid in calming him down. I had no idea how much confidence in other apsects of my life the lessons he taught me would bring.

In the fall, many friends came together to raise money for us to hire special therapists to come in from Colorado and help us get Landen's home and school life under control. The routines they taught us to keep his anxiety and sensory issues manageable made a big difference. Finally, we had answers! They were like our very own "Landen Whisperers!"

Mark eventually found a job with MetLife, and opened an insurance agency at Panther Creek in The Woodlands. I took the Worship Pastor position at HopePointe- a job that gives me the flexibility I need for my kids and allows me to do music- the most healing outlet and lifeline I have.

In the spring we took Landen to a special needs baseball program. We were amazed from day one at how well he did...he loved it! Every single game I cried....not only for the joy of seeing him actually participating, but for the determination of the other kids with challenges. There are more stories from that, but that will have to be another blog post!

At the end of the school year, I had Landen's annual ARD meeting. All of his teachers, therapists, and school principal were there. They were all not only so pleased with the progress he had made, but were actually tearing up, (all of them, even the principal!) saying how much he had blessed their life with his smile and personality. That was the most unbelievable moment I had ever had in his school experience! I have lived in a world where all you hear is how far behind and different your child is, and how low the expectations had to become to teach him anything. But God was using Landen anyway, and was growing him in a way that made others notice His work. Every single person around the table told me that they felt they had witnessed a miracle.

When we took him to his psychiatrist appointment in early June, the Dr asked us how the end of the school year had turned out...i told him, and he started tearing up, and said, "I asked God to show me today...that He was at work in my patients' lives, that someone was seeing success, and that my help was not in vain....and this is His answer for me today..."

So, here we are. ...God is good. He hears. He answers. He rescues. He makes all things new. He is teaching me to trust His refining fire, and that the process itself is the answer....ever unfolding, ever revealing beautiful parts of Himself that a less dependant life in me would never see. This recent picture of Landen reminds me of that truth.

This picture is of him playing with a wind sock he made at summer school, trying to get it to "fly" over the A/C unit in the backyard....he went on with this forever; I couldn't get him to come in till after dark....

Thrill Ride

2009-07-10T15:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have finally done it! Started a blog...something I have wanted to do for a couple of years now! I know it will be a nice place for me to release my thoughts, joys, fears, and stories. There are many in my life! I know that God has placed Mark and I on a very unique path. We have struggled in many things, but have, by grace, managed to strap on our seat belts, clutch on for dear life, screaming the whole way, but feeling the wind on our face and the thrill of the ride....even when we feel as though we are the only ones on it, and thinking, ".....but we didn't know we were getting on this ride...we wanna be on that one over there!" But, alas, here we are, on this one, made for us with custom seats, and trying our best to view the horizon through God's eyes.

For my first post...there's something you should know about me....I am obsessed, basically. I am obsessed with finding the meaning in everything. I know that God has called me, called Mark, called us to our situation, to somehow point to Him and to the grace and life only He can deliver in the midst of it. And believe me, this is not an attempt on my part to make myself feel better because life is hard. I can also be quite the cynic. But that obsession I have comes from a deep place that has known for many years that we are here for a short time, and that life should be full of passion, of shared love, of embracing moments. My sanity depends on it! Otherwise, my heart will darken in a shroud of cynicism, envy, and despair. So, many of my thoughts and stories will reflect that contradiction in me. But hopefully, I will make a record of the adventures we experience, many of which are crazy at the time, but we find ourselves laughing later. We have endured many unbelievable moments due to Landen's antics! I will try soon to post some of the highlights that I can remember so far! Thanks for walking this journey with me. Enter at your own risk!! =)